Why Do Christians Believe That God Wants Them To Give Money To Him Via The Church?

Christ these people are so short-sighted if they can’t see Church for the scam it is.

If most Christians read the Bible properly they’d understand that God does not want church-goers to give their hard earned money to the church. Churches are  get rich schemes designed to incapaciate the minds of the faithful through shame, guilt and fear whilst unashamedly stealing money from those who need it most.

It’s the mega churches that are the worst culprits. Most of them look like malls and are built by millionaires to bring glory to themselves and not to God. If these people truly believed the words of Jesus Christ they’d congregate in a small warehouse somewhere in the inner city and would concentrate on raising money on helping people who need it, without trying to convert them to their God.

Going To Church Hungover On A Sunday Is Hell On Earth

The two times I’ve attended church in recent years have been absolute hell as I’ve been hungover on both occasions.

The last time was particularly horrific as I ended up vomiting all over the woman in front of me. I hadn’t been feeling well all day and midway through the last hymn I panicked, stood up, but since I was in the middle of the pew there was no way out and I just gave in and spewed everywhere.

The choir stopped as I continued to heave like a man possessed. Eventually I was ordered out of the Church by the pastor and banned for life for being a drunken nuisance.

No skin off my nose really, I’m glad that I now have a real excuse to never go back to church.

The Church Should Leave Mental Illness To The Experts Rather Than Condemning Sufferers As Wrong

I’m fucking tired of Christians thinking that prayer can heal anything. These dickheads over on Yahoo Answers seem to think that the solution to all mental illness lies in God’s hands. If you look carefully, very few of them recommend visiting a professional over praying.

Praying to God is absolutely fucking useless because He isn’t there. Saying ‘God helps those who help themselves’ is the same as saying ‘People help themselves’ when you take God out of the equation.

The Church’s record with regards to mental illness is shocking. So many people have been misdiagnosed as being ‘possessed’ when in fact they’ve suffered from a neurological disorders like epilepsy, Tourettes or manic depression.  With this abysmal track record you’d think that these idiots would lay off and admit that they are talking through their asses.

But no, they maintain that God is right and that everything is possible through him . Except of course some fucking common sense and/or sanity.

Can Seeking Relief From Depression By Attending A Church Service Cure The Blues?

Can clobbering yourself over the head with a hammer relieve a migraine?

If you’re depressed and in desperate need of relief, visit a doctor instead of a pastor. The pastor will just blame all of your problems on your lack of faith in Jesus. Since Christ is dead, he’s of little use to anyone in modern society. Your doctor will be able to refer you to a specialist who can help ease the burden if your suffering is unbearable.

If I’m ever feeling low I find it helps to go for long walks, visit family and friends and to watch comedy shows on the television. Different things work for different people I guess but I really wouldn’t recommend church if you’re feeling down.

Unless of course you’re a Goth and the idea of sitting in a darkened claustrophobic room appeals to your senses.

Since The Government Will Never Have The Balls To Tax Churches, Steal Something From The Church This Christmas

The Christian Church has been operating tax-free for too long. Those who claim that the Church is a charity are mistaken. Charities do not enslave the minds of those who they aim to help. Charities do not aim to profit off the ordinary man’s gullibility.

Charities aim to empower humanity.

Churches aim to shackle down humanity to a bunch of bullshit bronze age myths that make as much sense as Ted Haggard hollering the Pledge of Allegiance with reverse phonetics and a dick in his mouth.

Obviously Christians would try to counter this argument by saying that the church does a lot of charity work. If this is true what does it prove? Does that make up for all of the emotional damage that they’ve inflicted on their followers throughout the years?

If I were to repeatedly punch my kid in the face for 10 years and then hand him $10,000 as a token gesture of ‘charity’ when he’s 18, would this make it alright?

Crude analogies aside, the Church is a business, now more than ever. This is why it must be treated like one. If Obama had any conviction whatsoever he’d introduce taxation to churches immediately in the New Year. Unfortunately it’s never going to happen. He’d lose too many of his core voters.

So in lieu of the Government taxing the Church, if you’re really in need of money over the Holidays, steal something significant from your local Church Hall.

Like the Organ.

If the police try to stop you, tell them that you’re doing God’s work. Before they try to arrest you, wheel the organ right into the patrol car.

Don’t worry about doing any significant damage, the force would be able to claim is back on their insurance as an Act of God.

Going To Church Is Not Something You Should Be Putting On Your Resume

I’m tired of seeing resumes written by Christians who put down ‘going to church’ as a personal activity on their resume. It’s as if they feel that if they omit God from any aspect of their lives, then he’ll condemn them to hell.

Going to church is not an activity. It is a primitive form of torture. It’s only purpose is to weaken your spirits and force you into accepting that you’re somehow debased for having a penis or a vagina.

What annoys me even more are these Holy Rollers who thank Jesus if they find a job after a long period of unemployment.  Can’t they take some of the praise themselves? More than likely they were the ones who wrote their own CV, sent it to an employer, aced the interview and then got the job. Where the hell does a dead Jewish Zombie come into this? Did he buy the postage stamp for the application form for them?

What To Do If A Pastor Calls You Out In Front Of Your Family As A Sinner In A Church Service

Many Pastors out there love victimizing members of their congregation that they perceive to be relentless sinners and will often call out their name during a service along with a list of their sins.

If you’re ever victim to this bullshit and the rumors are true, go up there, snatch the microphone off of God boy and proclaim your ’sins’ to the entire church. Once you’ve finished, be sure to shove the microphone up your ass and fart as loud as possible into it.

Remember, regardless of what the church teaches there’s absolutely nothing wrong with drinking or sleeping with other people as long as you aren’t breaking the real law.

God’s law is non-existent baloney created solely to constrain the human spirit.

We as humans should be proud to be sinners as it’s our sins that make us interesting. If we were preachy, whiny assholes like Jesus of Nazareth then the world would be unbearably dull.

Faking Sick To Escape Church Is The Most Holy Thing You Can Do As A Child.

Faking sick is one of the best ways to escape going to church, but there’s a limit to how often you can use this excuse whilst getting away with it.

If your parents think your lying, then tell them that you were sent a message by God in a dream that you have been struck down by leprosy and that if you even move out of bed one inch then your head will detonate like a car backfiring. Inform them that if this happens then God will send your whole family to Hell instantly.

If they are God-fearing people then they’ll likely call for a pastor/priest who will attempt to evaluate whether you’re possessed by Satan or not.

For shits and giggles, start snarling like a demented wolf at the churchman and don’t stop until he’s waving a crucifix about in your face.

If you’re fortunate enough, not only will you miss a lot more Church by being possessed by the Damned but a lot of school as well!

At What Age Should Parents Stop Forcing Their Child Going To Church?

The answer to this one is simple, you should never force your child into going into church. My parents forced me into attending Sunday School until I was 11 and it was unbearable.

I already knew at that age that Jesus was already dead and that God didn’t exist. I only went to keep my parents happy. It was essentially emotional blackmail.

I think religion is a dangerous mind altering intoxicant that can destroy your life like alcohol. For this reason I believe that worshipers should be at least 21 before they are allowed to attend Church services.

If a parent is found sending their child to church then they should be arrested, just like the irresponsible mother who forces her 12-year-old into downing shots of pure Everclear for her own amusement.

Up until then the child should be educated about every major religion in existence in order to achieve a full understanding of all of the different possibilities out there.

What Can A Normal Christian Lose Going To Church Services Every Sunday?

1) Your Mind

Brainwashing is a vital tactic in wearing down your gift of rationality. Once you accept Jesus Christ as your savior your mind will become inundated with feelings of self loathing, awe for God and hate towards Satan. Accepting Christ into your life is to become an emotional leper.

2) Your Friends

After you’ve started attending Church and have made friends with a new group of people then you won’t want to hang around with your old buddies much, especially if they aren’t Christian. This mightn’t seem like such a big deal now that you have new friends, but what will happen if you leave the church? Will you still be able to depend on the friendship of your Christian friends?

3) Your Life

If you have to abide by God’s law then you can’t do any of the fun things in life, like use prostitutes, get divorced or drink alcohol. Unless of course you manage to become a senior in a church, then it’s acceptable to use any of those 3 as long as you plead for forgiveness from Jesus before hand.

If Salvation Was Real Then Church Fellowship Wouldn’t Be Important To Jesus Christ

From what I understand the Christian religion is meant to center around the teachings of Jesus Christ.  Many fundamentalist sects like Southern Baptists believe that it’s imperative to attend church in order to achieve Salvation but this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Surely salvation is based purely upon living a good life and accepting Jesus Christ as your savior, not upon attending a Church which in truth may or may not hold Christ’s teachings dear.

It seems to me that the church is trying to make this Salvation business seem much harder than it really is, just to confuse the weaker minded people in their congregation. Why would they do this? Well if someone is confused, then they are more likely to hand over their money.

If you’re really terrified of the idea of eternal Hellfire then you’ll do just about anything to escape it.

Luckily Salvation is a false product marketed by an organization that relies on false promises for its very existence.

How To Tell Your Parents That You Are Quitting Church

The best way to tell your parents that you want to quit Church is to be as upfront as possible like the kid in the video below.

There’s no point in beating around the bush. If you’re bored with going to church or just generally annoyed at having to suffer 2 hours of hypocrites hellbent on convincing you that you’re heading to eternal damnation, then just call their bluff and tell them that you think that all organized religion is absolute bullshit.

The chances are that if you take a softly-softly approach you’re parents will ignore your requests and just continue to force you into going.

Make a stand against your parents. Tell them that you’ve started thinking for yourself and that you’ve come to the conclusion that Jesus was a tool who died over 2,000 years ago for absolutely nothing but blind vanity.

Christian Home Church Services Are A Hilarious Abomination

In recent years the volume of home church services in America have rocketed, partly due to believers becoming disillusioned with the practices and beliefs of mainstream churches.

In my experience Home Churches are generally full of paranoid sorts who feel that they’ve been persecuted by those working in the name of Satan. In many instances they will setup a compound and eventually start worshiping the leader as some form of demi God. Home Churches essentially become microcosms of the Catholic Church.

The idea of a Church at home just cracks me up. Imagine if the dog interrupted the service by humping it’s way to the front with another dog. Or better – if the dog waltzed up to the leader and just vomited all over the Bible.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that Churches are best kept out of the public eye, so home churches can only be a good thing.

Just Because You Faint In Church Doesn’t Make Christianity Any More Real

You’ve all seen footage of Christians acting like imbeciles in Church, diving around like apes possessed by the Holy Spirit.

Hilariously enough, many Christians use such behavior to try to imply that God exists. My friend tried using this argument on me last night to try to convert me over to God.

‘If God is not real, then why did I faint in Church last night? I experienced the Lord and you can’t deny my experience!’

The reason you fainted in Church is because you were delirious. You wanted to be whipped up into such a frenzy just so that you’d have something that would add a bit of weight to your testimonies.

What you don’t realize is that it adds nothing at all. It makes you seem even more full of hot air because you were so hysterical.

If I faint at a Bob Dylan concert, does that make him God? No. It just makes him a good performer. Or it just makes me a goof.

Going To Church To Simply Make New Friends Isn’t A Good Idea

How lonely do you have to be to attend Church just to make friends?

It might seem like a win-win situation until you’re reeled into the whole racket and are held to emotional blackmail if you ever think of leaving.

Then suddenly the friends don’t seem so much like the people you really want to be hanging out with.

If you’re new to an area and are looking for friends or a date, try going to the local bar or placing a personal on the internet. Get chatting to people on online forums and arrange to meet up for a few drinks, if necessary.

It’s important to meet new friends who will accept you for who you are, rather than people who will try to mould you into a bad parody of Ned Flanders.

Do Christians Make True Friends When They Are At Church?

I guess it depends really. I know of a few people who were once Christian and made many friends at Church – who stayed with them even after they converted to Atheism. It’s worth mentioning that these people attended moderate Presbyterian and Catholic  Churches.

I’ve read some horror stories about Churches turning against people who live the fold at the insistence of the pastor. The forums over on Ex Christian are full of such stories and some of them are quite unbelivable.

If the only thing you share in common with your friends is the belief in a fictional deity and you attend a charismatic church, then the chances are that the friendships you make will be fragile at best.

This to me is extremely upsetting as friendship is one of the most precious things you can experience in life. Hardcore Christians subsequently dismiss true friendship for nothing at all.

You Can’t Just Stay At Home And Read Your Bible And Pray To God, You Have To Go To Church!

It’s obvious that the Church doesn’t trust their worshipers to stay at home and praise God in their own way.

Why?

Well they understand that the Bible is mind-numbingly boring and that after 30 seconds of study, they will just turn on the TV or go outside and do something worthwhile with their lives.

Besides Church is an excellent way for the elders to control the minds of their subjects. It’s all done rather subtly.  If someone comes into Church with an alternative hairstyle the pastor or priest will say something like ‘Do you think Jesus would agree with that look?’

Deep down the preacher doesn’t care about Jesus’s thoughts, he is simply trying to assert the Church’s authority over the person.

It’s quite clever when you think about it.

I Hate The People Who Run Up And Down The Aisles In Church Possessed By ‘The Spirit’

Christ if there’s anything more irritating than the phony bastard who runs up and down the aisles at church possessed by the Holy Spirit then I’ve yet to see it.

I’m almost tempted to attend church and get an aisle seat just so that I can trip this idiot up.

Why do they do this in the first place? Are they paid by the church to do lap runs of the church? Is it because the church elders realize that their services are so boring that they require the help of some sweaty, overweight man to run up and down for 10 minutes just to make things seem a little more exciting?

I think the government should drug test the idiot after the service just to ensure he isn’t off his mash on shiny cookies.  I’d be surprised if the guy wasn’t at least huffing bleach in the restroom during the sermon interval.

Why It Is Necessary To Be Quiet In Church

The church wants to suppress their parishioners voices, especially if they are in dissent of the message they are trying to preach.  Whilst most Churches attempt to convey their services as open and democratic, very few will tolerate anyone interrupting the proceedings with questions that are actually relevant to everyday life.

In order to give the illusion of openness the majority of churches may schedule a Q&A session for the end of the service.

This ‘discussion’ will be typically chaired by a senior church member who is loud, intimidating and can out speak anyone else in the congregation. Such a person is likely only to accept questions from people who have questions about the interpretation of Scripture rather than anything about the merits of having faith in God in the first place.

This is how the Church manages to keep the flock in line, otherwise anarchy could ensue and tear it apart.

If God Is Omnipresent Then Why Do People Have To Attend Church?

We’re told by the Bible that God is everywhere. If this is the case, then why do we have to congregate in a petty little building every Sunday morning? Couldn’t Church sermons be held underneath a tree somewhere in the country?

Of course Christians will counter this argument by saying that God is centered around the Church.

Wait a minute. How can He be everywhere yet just centered around one place? It doesn’t make an ounce of sense.The real reason why we’re encouraged to go to church is to be indoctrinated in the virtues of shame and guilt. Once those two ‘qualities’ are in place then the Church is free to milk our pockets for all eternity.

Or at least until we die and they inherit our homes and all our possessions. Praise the Lord!

People Just Go To Church To Compare Clothing and Bitch

Church services have lost any residual meaning they’d maintained up until now, through being totally irrelevant to today’s society. Now instead of learning about God’s word, parishioners attend services simply to compare clothing with one another and gossip about others not current in their midst.

If the organizers of the church services were to assess the situation neutrally they’d realize that now is the time to end all sermons. Most Christians just attend Church habitually and when they do they gain nothing but shame and an earache.

If you’re looking to socialize with friends, there are plenty of places that you can do this without having to dip into your pockets for the collection bowl.

Interesting In Going To Church For The First Time? Don’t!

If you’re feeling lonely, there are better places to meet others than at Church. Why not hang out at your local bar or cinema? You could join the gym, take up a sport or place an ad in the local newspaper to organize a meetup with some new people.

The greatest misconception is that church is good for meeting people who will accept you for who you are. This is never the case. Under God’s eyes we are never right and Christian’s themselves try their hardest to project that judgement onto anyone new who walks through their door.

The risks of conversion are too great to make church a worthwhile prospect. If you’re unbearably lonely then it might even be worthwhile paying for a prostitute, inviting her up to your apartment and asking if she wouldn’t mind staying for a while whilst you read her your god-awful poetry.

At least this will help while away the hours!

What Is The Point Of Church Weddings If You Aren’t Even Christian

Christ, this pisses me off so much.

Why do couples insist on getting married in churches if they don’t believe in God? I know that some women just want to have the ideal ‘white wedding’ and that most men just cave into their wife’s demands.

The thing is, the Church will not leave you alone after the marriage, they will continue to harass you into joining their congregation.

They won’t stop until you’ve surrendered to Christ and even then they’ll bleed you dry of money until you’re under the ground.

It’s so much easier and honest to hold your wedding in a registry office. You can still have a white wedding, just without any of the added bullshit that will always come and bite you on the ass.

Are You Leading A Church Youth Group And The Kids Aren’t Interested?

Then the kids aren’t interested for a reason.

They aren’t stupid, they know that you’re talking out of your ass. You can only feed them so much candy before they’ll want to go home.

Maybe you should try preaching a little honesty to the kids. Tell them that you aren’t sure about what you’re preaching. Tell them that the only reason that you believe in any of this nonsense is that you’re scared of dying and going to hell.

At the very least you could introduce them to alternative religions or belief systems. After all, if Jesus heads the true religion then it should shine through all of the shit, should it not?

I Love How Badly Churches Treat New Comers

If you’ve ever moved to a new area and had to find a new church, then you’ll understand how nasty some Christians can be when you’re the new guy in town.

Not only do these people want to know your life history, they also went to know how much money you have. If you’re rich, then you’ll fit in well. If you’re poor, then you haven’t a hope in hell.

I’ve seen it happen again and again. You could be a drug-dealing axe murderer but as long as you are willing to put money into the collection plate on Sunday, then you’ve found yourself a new spiritual home.

These are the same fools who would beat seven shades of crap out of Christ if he ever came back to Earth. Just for being a dirty hippy with no money.